Passing Away

A week ago tomarrow my grandma died. It was a good thing. She deserved to go. My grandpa died about 14 years ago, and ever since then, she really hasn't been happy. She finally went though. She lived to be almost 90 yrs. old. Good, long life. But, I was there the night that she went. I was in her room at the nursing home with her. I felt like I was going to go insane. So, I started to write down my thoughts on a pad of paper. Here it is. If it is a little odd, sorry, but I needed an outlet and this was it. It might be a little confusing.

"If you have ever read about a death rattle in a book or diary and don't know what it sounds like, well, this is it. Imagin a person blowing bubbles in a dreink and multiply that by 2 or 3 and you've got a BASIC idea.

Grandma sounds like that. Se ha souunded like that for a few hours. I didn't know that a person could make those kind of sounds. It makes me want t cough for her. No living person should ever have to be in this kind of misery! I wouldn't curse this on even my worst enemy! NEVER!!

Today is hte day before my 9th grade commencenment. I always wanted grandma to be there for it. But now, I don't know if she will even last the night.

Pain. Pain is something that grandma should not have to deal with anymore. She has had for too many years. Both physical and emotional. She quit living when grandpa died.

I am so close to crying but my inner strength just won't let me. I only cry when all of my defences have been torn down.

To die ot not ot die. Now that is question here. Will she let go? Will the Lord let her go? Will someone who is holding on let her go? To die or not to die. now that is the question.

Right now, the only way I am keeping from going crazy is by wiring all this down. My chest feels so tight with anxiety and sadness and frustration. It's a miracle I can breath. my exterior is so calm, or feels that way, and yet my insides are a riot of feelings.

Memories and impressions. To truly understand what it feels like, they wuld have to be bombarded with millions of colors, sounds, sights, smells, thoughts, hate, passion, worry, love, needles, pokes, tugs, and any other feeling you can think of and then multiply that by 100. At leats.

Sitting here waiting, watching, it all feels a little srueal. you don't want to believe it, but you have to. And through the Atonement of Christ, and the leve he gives, I can and will endure, even if it is nightmarish.

The Lord must truly lover her to put her throught such pain and misery. He must feel she can endure it.

She's gone. No mor.

I never realized it would be this hard to let go. I always thought it wouldb e easier than this, but I'm not alwaays right. I just thought that my inner walls would help, but they melted away like butter in sinlight.

No more. nOe more pain. Only peace and comfort in grandpa's arms.

Civil War

My grandma just passed away last night. I am home alone and have nothing to do. This is bringing my euporia right down intot he pits. Tonight, we "commenced" from 9th grade. I went to the dance and for the first time since 10:10 p.m. last night, my every thought wasn't about her. Now, I am home alone and my mind is wandering down corriders I don't want to go down.

On the other hand, I danced with some guys tonight. One of the dances was hilarious. The kid is so RANDOM and we just had fun goofing around and bumping into others and telling them to be a Book of Mormon apart and all that fun stuff.

Today

I'm not doing much right now. I just ate some milk and cookies. Good stuff.

Last week, I went to a track meet with the junior high, rather than the high school. I am a thrower. But the sad thing is, I suck!!! No joke. I can do the forms but I can't throw worth squat. Oh well.

Sunday, I went to a hair show in Salt Lake City, and we went to the Sexy Hair exhibit. It was very interesting. The hair stylists that got up on stage were scary looking. There was a guy named Rod Sickler and Faye Judson. Both top dogs as Sexy Hair. Rod had an earing, a tattoo, black messy hair, a shirt with a floradaleigh?, and a belt that looked like the kind cowgirls wear. You know, with the major rhinestones on the buckle. How ever, he acted pretty decent.
Faye herself was interesting too. She had to be about 40 at least. She was wearing shiny pleather shoes, the leather looking leggings, a mini skirt that is made of gauze stuff (several layers) and a corsette with an open over shirt and lace fingerless gloves. Her hair is marroon.
Rod gets up on stage and the first thing he does to the model is start cutting the back of her hair. Now, you might say that that doesn't seem so bad. Well, let me describe it to you. He took an ungaurded razor (I think) and with his right hand would fluff up the back of the hair, following through with the razor. And he did it very fast!!! I told my mom never to try that on me!
But, I had fun. They had a dj and a backup dancer for the dj that were both pretty good looking. And then they brought up this guy that had been on American Idol. I have no idea who we was because I don't watch American Idol. And the dj had been on So You Think You Can Dance.

Ta ta for now.