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Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear
is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness,
that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually who are we not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people
won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine as children do.
We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And when we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

~Marianne Williamson~

Monday, August 17, 2009

Cliche'

So, you know how everyone always talks abot the 'mysterious old pizza found under the bed' cliche' when a room gets cleaned; or, the 'old, moldy sandwich found in the school desk at the end of the year' cliche'? Well, I got a mix of the two. I found a paper bag that had an old sandwich in it when I was cleaning my room today. This was from girls camp in June. Scary.
I was cleaning my room when I found it. That's probably the worst that I have let my room get. And it wasn't even that dirty. It was just that I had stuff piled around the edges of my room and it happened to be one of the things that got burried. I AM ashamed of myself, and know that from now on, I shouldn't be allowed to bring food into my room unless I am bout to eat it.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

The Dance

So two weeks ago today I went to a tri-stake dance. I had fun, but the DJ didn't always play songs that you could dance to. Makes me sad.
Anyways...so I didn't always hang with my group of buddies. I would sometimes hang with some other kids who a older than me, but we are still buddies. Sorry, off subject. My friend Natalie, one of the older kids, tried to get this guy to ask me to dance. He wouldn't. GRRR!!! I hate when there are girls who are just waiting to be asked to dance and the guys think that they will be turned down or something, so they don't ask. Once again, GRRRRR! So anyways, this kids' name is Heath. The last slow dance of the night, I walk up to him and tell him that I will dance with him if he asks me to dance. He then proceeded to ask me to dance and we danced. I might just have to start doing that all the time. I hate just standing around. I am good at baiting guys into asking me to dance. I will dance around the dancefloor by myself and just wait for someone to ask me. And a lot of the time it works. Oh, by the way, I knew that Natalie was trying to get this guy to ask me to dance. And every time that we passed around the dancefloor, after he said no, he would point at me. HEHEHEHEH.
Also, during the last dance, my friend Weston set a couple of my friends up with some guys. Or he asked some guys to dance with my friends, I should say. And then he told them that he did it. Rosalyn, my bestest bud, got mad because she doesn't like being set up. I love it when my friends do that to me. It makes me feel happy when they can get someone to dance with me. I like dancing, and if that means that someone has to set us up, then so be it. Obviously she doesn't feel that way. Ah well. I think she is over it. I don't know. I haven't seen them in a while.
So, I have decided that my mom won't sleep for the next month. She is working on my middle brothers temple quilt. This is where she gets a king size trecco blanket, and stiches at temple on it by hand. ALL OF IT!!! That is a lot, if you don't know. And it isn't just a temple. There is complicated border around the temple, and then another border after that. It is insane. They always look nice though. Anyways, that will take her about two weeks to finish, maybe. After that, she has to get my sister's stuff done. My sister asked her to make her the following items for the baby's room: a pillow case, curtains, crib skirt, and the bumper (the thing that goes around the inside of the crib). By the way, mom kinda brought this on herself. Andrea asked her to do it months ago. She will be so busy. She even takes these things to work to make the process faster. My dad told her that she couldn't do anything till she gets the quilt done, and then Andrea has her do this. The house is going to go insane. And she won't let anyone help her on the quilt. Ah well, what can we do?

Monday, July 27, 2009

HOLY COW!!!!

Holy cow has it been busy lately. The Wednesday before the 19th of July, my parents and I went down to the Navajo Reservation for my cousin's traditional Navajo wedding. It was interesting. I got to get all dressed up and stuff for the wedding in my traditional clothes. The link goes to my sister's Smugmug account where I posted the pictures. Be warned, there is pictures of when we butchered. Oh, ya, we butchered a sheep and then put the meat in a stew we served at the reception. It was good stew. The little girl that I have the most pictures of is my cousins little girl. She is so cute! There were LDS missionaries there and they said that they felt the Spirit present. I didn't, but then again I had the camera and I wasn't paying attention. But, it makes sense, because I could really tell from what I have seen of Shelly and J.D. together that they really belong together. You don't always feel that with people. But he treats her with all the respect due, and you can tell that they love each other SO MUCH.
Kay, we got great news that weekend!!!!!! My brother and his wife are expecting a little boy in November! They kept it a secret this whole time. Now, my parents will have 6 boys (after Andrea and Leigh deliver) and two girls. Great!!!!
Friday, I marched in a parade in Emery-the town, not the county. It was HOT! Then, later that night, my brother and sister in law and their daughter came down. We went to the fireworks in Emery and then I stayed at the dance. I had fun. The next day, I marched in two parades. Cleveland, and Elmo. I was about ready to fall over and die!!! After the parade, I ate 8 otter pops. I could hav eaten more, but I didn't take more and they kinda' melted in the car. But they were good. After, we went out to the Clevlan Lloyd Dinosaur Quary and I went on a little hike. It was supposedly about a mile and a fourth. Who knows. The signs didn't all correspond. K, now picture this. I was wearing only a wife beater, green nylon shorts, black socks and shoes, and my hair was a mess from having to wear a uniform hat, which is really sweaty! When we got home, I turned on some music and took a nap on the living room floor. Yes, I know that there are softer places to nap, but acutally, in my family, we tend to lay on the floor quite a lot. We have pictures of my laying with someone on the floor. We would just take a nap. And we like it.
This morning, as we were rehearsing in band, I have band at seven in the morning, this beatle comes into the room. Now, when I say that this thing was huge, I am not exhagerating. It was about an inch and a half long. Dark brown and disgusting! My friend took it outside and then about ten minutes later, it came back in. One of my other friends took it outside again and he said that the first time he tried to set it down, it tried to come back to the building! Gross!!!!!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

The Man From Snowy River

This is the poem that started it all. I read it and liked it. It is long but it fits the story very well.
It was written by Banjo Patterson.


There was movement at the station, for the word had passed around
That the colt from old Regret had got away,
And had joined the wild bush horses — he was worth a thousand pound,
So all the cracks had gathered to the fray.
All the tried and noted riders from the stations near and far
Had mustered at the homestead overnight,
For the bushmen love hard riding where the wild bush horses are,
And the stock-horse snuffs the battle with delight.

There was Harrison, who made his pile when
Pardon won the cup,
The old man with his hair as white as snow;
But few could ride beside him when his blood was fairly up
He would go wherever horse and man could go.
And Clancy of the Overflow came down to lend a hand,
No better horseman ever held the reins;
For never horse could throw him while the saddle-girths would stand
He learnt to ride while droving on the plains.

And one was there, a stripling on a small and weedy beast;
He was something like a racehorse undersized,
With a touch of Timor pony—three parts thoroughbred at least
And such as are by mountain horsemen prized.
He was hard and tough and wiry—just the sort that won't say die
There was courage in his quick impatient tread;
And he bore the badge of gameness in his bright and fiery eye,
And the proud and lofty carriage of his head.

But still so slight and weedy, one would doubt his power to stay,
And the old man said, "That horse will never do
For a long and tiring gallop—lad, you'd better stop away,
Those hills are far too rough for such as you."
So he waited, sad and wistful—only Clancy stood his friend"
I think we ought to let him come," he said;
"I warrant he'll be with us when he's wanted at the end,
For both his horse and he are mountain bred.

"He hails from Snowy River, up by Kosciusko's side,
Where the hills are twice as steep and twice as rough;
Where a horse's hoofs strike firelight from the flint stones every stride,
The man that holds his own is good enough.
And the Snowy River riders on the mountains make their home,
Where the river runs those giant hills between;
I have seen full many horsemen since I first commenced to roam,
But nowhere yet such horsemen have I seen."

So he went; they found the horses by the big mimosa clump,
They raced away towards the mountain's brow,
And the old man gave his orders, "Boys, go at them from the jump,
No use to try for fancy riding now.
And, Clancy, you must wheel them, try and wheel them to the right.
Ride boldly, lad, and never fear the spills,
For never yet was rider that could keep the mob in sight,
If once they gain the shelter of those hills."

So Clancy rode to wheel them—he was racing on the wing
Where the best and boldest riders take their place,
And he raced his stock-horse past them, and he made the ranges ring
With the stockwhip, as he met them face to face.
Then they halted for a moment, while he swung the dreaded lash,
But they saw their well-loved mountain full in view,
And they charged beneath the stockwhip with a sharp and sudden dash,
And off into the mountain scrub they flew.

Then fast the horsemen followed, where the gorges deep and black
Resounded to the thunder of their tread,
And the stockwhips woke the echoes, and they fiercely answered back
From cliffs and crags that beetled overhead.
And upward, ever upward, the wild horses held their way,
Where mountain ash and kurrajong grew wide;
And the old man muttered fiercely, "We may bid the mob good day,
No man can hold them down the other side."

When they reached the mountain's summit, even Clancy took a pull
It well might make the boldest hold their breath;
The wild hop scrub grew thickly, and the hidden ground was full
Of wombat holes, and any slip was death.
But the man from Snowy River let the pony have his head,
And he swung his stockwhip round and gave a cheer,
And he raced him down the mountain like a torrent down its bed,
While the others stood and watched in very fear.

He sent the flint-stones flying, but the pony kept his feet,
He cleared the fallen timber in his stride,
And the man from Snowy River never shifted in his seat
It was grand to see that mountain horseman ride.
Through the stringy barks and saplings, on the rough and broken ground,
Down the hillside at a racing pace he went;
And he never drew the bridle till he landed safe and sound,
At the bottom of that terrible descent.

He was right among the horses as they climbed the farther hill,
And the watchers on the mountain, standing mute,
Saw him ply the stockwhip fiercely; he was right among them still,
As he raced across the clearing in pursuit.
They lost him for a moment, where two mountain gullies met
In the ranges—but a final glimpse reveals
On a dim and distant hillside the wild horses racing yet,
With the man from Snowy River at their heels.

And he ran them single-handed till their sides were white with foam;
He followed like a bloodhound on their track,
Till they halted cowed and beaten; then he turned their heads for home,
And alone and unassisted brought them back.
But his hardy mountain pony he could scarcely raise a trot,
He was blood from hip to shoulder from the spur;
But his pluck was still undaunted, and his courage fiery hot,
For never yet was mountain horse a cur.

And down by Kosciusko, where the pine-clad ridges raise
Their torn and rugged battlements on high,
Where the air is clear as crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze
At midnight in the cold and frosty sky,
And where around the Overflow the reed-beds sweep and sway
To the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide,
The Man from Snowy River is a household word today,
And the stockmen tell the story of his ride.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

My Yesterday

Ok, so Friday Night, my parents and another couple in the ward went to the Manti Temple. I was board out of my mind. My sister called and wanted to know if my parents would like to go the next morning. I said that since it was such a spiritualy, wonderous, enhancing experience that they would love to go. I had no drive to do anything. The most ambitious I got was to make some shrimp ramen. Exciting right?
The next day, I got up and went with, even though I can't go in the Temple. I sat in the car for about 3 1/2 hours. A normal session lasts about 2 hours from the time they go in to the time they coume out. So, after, we went to lunch. When we got there, I still had to wait for them go change before we could even go in.
I started this: "Just keep waiting, just keep waiting, just keep waiting. What do we do? We wait." Tells ya how board I was.
When I got home, I did the following: mowed the lawn, vacumed and straightend the living room, cleared the table, swept the floor, did the dishes, and then dried and put the dishes away. By the way, we don't have a dish washer. We do it by hand. I don't know what came over me, but my parents were nicely surprised. Cleaning that much without being told or asked is amazing!
Today, I cooked dinner, and am now waiting some more for my parents to come home. They went to take dishes back to those who brought food when my Grandma died. I think they just got home though.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Passing Away


A week ago tomarrow my grandma died. It was a good thing. She deserved to go. My grandpa died about 14 years ago, and ever since then, she really hasn't been happy. She finally went though. She lived to be almost 90 yrs. old. Good, long life. But, I was there the night that she went. I was in her room at the nursing home with her. I felt like I was going to go insane. So, I started to write down my thoughts on a pad of paper. Here it is. If it is a little odd, sorry, but I needed an outlet and this was it. It might be a little confusing.


"If you have ever read about a death rattle in a book or diary and don't know what it sounds like, well, this is it. Imagin a person blowing bubbles in a dreink and multiply that by 2 or 3 and you've got a BASIC idea.

Grandma sounds like that. Se ha souunded like that for a few hours. I didn't know that a person could make those kind of sounds. It makes me want t cough for her. No living person should ever have to be in this kind of misery! I wouldn't curse this on even my worst enemy! NEVER!!

Today is hte day before my 9th grade commencenment. I always wanted grandma to be there for it. But now, I don't know if she will even last the night.

Pain. Pain is something that grandma should not have to deal with anymore. She has had for too many years. Both physical and emotional. She quit living when grandpa died.

I am so close to crying but my inner strength just won't let me. I only cry when all of my defences have been torn down.

To die ot not ot die. Now that is question here. Will she let go? Will the Lord let her go? Will someone who is holding on let her go? To die or not to die. now that is the question.

Right now, the only way I am keeping from going crazy is by wiring all this down. My chest feels so tight with anxiety and sadness and frustration. It's a miracle I can breath. my exterior is so calm, or feels that way, and yet my insides are a riot of feelings.

Memories and impressions. To truly understand what it feels like, they wuld have to be bombarded with millions of colors, sounds, sights, smells, thoughts, hate, passion, worry, love, needles, pokes, tugs, and any other feeling you can think of and then multiply that by 100. At leats.

Sitting here waiting, watching, it all feels a little srueal. you don't want to believe it, but you have to. And through the Atonement of Christ, and the leve he gives, I can and will endure, even if it is nightmarish.

The Lord must truly lover her to put her throught such pain and misery. He must feel she can endure it.

She's gone. No mor.

I never realized it would be this hard to let go. I always thought it wouldb e easier than this, but I'm not alwaays right. I just thought that my inner walls would help, but they melted away like butter in sinlight.

No more. nOe more pain. Only peace and comfort in grandpa's arms.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Civil War

My grandma just passed away last night. I am home alone and have nothing to do. This is bringing my euporia right down intot he pits. Tonight, we "commenced" from 9th grade. I went to the dance and for the first time since 10:10 p.m. last night, my every thought wasn't about her. Now, I am home alone and my mind is wandering down corriders I don't want to go down.

On the other hand, I danced with some guys tonight. One of the dances was hilarious. The kid is so RANDOM and we just had fun goofing around and bumping into others and telling them to be a Book of Mormon apart and all that fun stuff.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Today

I'm not doing much right now. I just ate some milk and cookies. Good stuff.

Last week, I went to a track meet with the junior high, rather than the high school. I am a thrower. But the sad thing is, I suck!!! No joke. I can do the forms but I can't throw worth squat. Oh well.

Sunday, I went to a hair show in Salt Lake City, and we went to the Sexy Hair exhibit. It was very interesting. The hair stylists that got up on stage were scary looking. There was a guy named Rod Sickler and Faye Judson. Both top dogs as Sexy Hair. Rod had an earing, a tattoo, black messy hair, a shirt with a floradaleigh?, and a belt that looked like the kind cowgirls wear. You know, with the major rhinestones on the buckle. How ever, he acted pretty decent.
Faye herself was interesting too. She had to be about 40 at least. She was wearing shiny pleather shoes, the leather looking leggings, a mini skirt that is made of gauze stuff (several layers) and a corsette with an open over shirt and lace fingerless gloves. Her hair is marroon.
Rod gets up on stage and the first thing he does to the model is start cutting the back of her hair. Now, you might say that that doesn't seem so bad. Well, let me describe it to you. He took an ungaurded razor (I think) and with his right hand would fluff up the back of the hair, following through with the razor. And he did it very fast!!! I told my mom never to try that on me!
But, I had fun. They had a dj and a backup dancer for the dj that were both pretty good looking. And then they brought up this guy that had been on American Idol. I have no idea who we was because I don't watch American Idol. And the dj had been on So You Think You Can Dance.

Ta ta for now.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Now

Right now all I am doing is sitting here at the computer. I have black cherry shasta and I just ate two pieces of buttered bread. But, I want to lay something on you, see what you think. It is the begining to a story I have been writing for sometime.



Prologue:

Love. It had always been her greatest fear and deepest desire.

The rain fell down just like the tears from her eyes as she looked over at the man she had finally come to tust, understand, and love.


Now, I know that it isn't much, but I am still working on the wrest of it. I will try to put more up if you like it. Give me comments.



Kay, I just read this blog that my sister sent to me. It was so amazing. NO KIDDING. I will have to give you the link. If you have the chance, read it. And have parents read it too. http://emmadlynn.blogspot.com/2009/04/to-parents-on-abstinence.html Here it is.



I am now 15!!!!! Isn't that amazing. I can get my driver liscence in about a year. AND guess what!, my dad will let me get a motorcycle. Not a dirt bike, a cruiser!!!! So many people are surprised about that.

I have a friend that thinks that 4 wheelers are more dangerous than dirt bikes. I disagree. Most 4 wheelers aren't made to do tricks. Dirt bikes are. She tells me this and I tell her that she won't convince me of it. She keeps saying that if you get stuck under a dirt bike, you can get out, but not a 4 wheeler. I don't know. I have seen some BIG dirt bikes that nobody should get under. Ah Well.



We have started to plant a garden. This means fresh peas, potatoes, tomatoes, and so many other things. My favorite is roasted anaheim peppers. You stick them on the grill till they are roasted all the way around. Then you stick them in a sealed tuperware and let them steam 20-30 minutes. Then you peal the skinn of them, take the seeds out and make chilli out of it. I hate peppers, the taste, but I love this smell. If they had a candle or car freshener that smelled excactly like that, then my room would always smell like that!!! I am almost drooling about it now, and we haven't planted the peppers yet.



Oh, and I have joined the high school track team. I throw. I am one of the worst throwers, but at the same time, when we go to meets, some people are just as bad as I am and that makes me feel better. My dad bought me a shotput and I named him Frank. He is orange. And he, my dad, bought me a practice javeline. I need to find a place to get some practice in with them.

My friends, Caleb, Tiff, and Weston, are all runners on the team too. This Friday, we get to go to the Jr. High track meet, we are still in Jr. High, freshmen, and I can't wait to see them smoke the rest of the runners. It will be so funny. See, we actually work out at practice, whereas the jr. high people don't really do much. Hehehehe!!! :)

And, Tiff and Caleb are now "friends with benefits". It is kinda weird. They always sit together on track trips, and every movement that he makes in her imediate area suggests that he want to reach out and touch her, holder hand, wrap her in his arms. It is a little unerving sometimes. But, he needs to know that because he pays so much attention to Tiff, he needs to back down on some of the other girls he likes.
When Caleb does touch her, she just sits there and takes it. It is kinda funny the way they get razzed sometimes from team mates. The first track meet, Caleb was in a seat behind us. Tiff fell asleep and Caleb spent most of the ride home stroking her face, playing with her hair and things of the kind. It is pretty bad. My friends at school think he is bad, they should see them on track meets. Scary!!!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Ghosts

I am up writing a research paper on ghosts and poltergeists. I know that I should be writing it now, but I need to take a break for just a minute. Now, in my paper, I wrote this: "In History’s grip, in the society of Today, and in the Dawn of Tomorrow, people have always had and always will have ghosts." Pretty good huh? I didn't copy it, I wrote it.

Monday, January 26, 2009

TAGGED

So, I got tagged by Poptart. This is the 6X6 Tag Game. Here is how it works. 1. Go to your sixth folder, and 2. pick the sixth picture. Place it on whatever you are doing. i.e. blog, email.... Then explain it.

This is a picture of and Ice Dragon, if you really need help understanding. I was just looking up dragons one day and I found this one. Great, isn't it?

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Dirty Dancing.


Right now, I am not doing anything important. Yesterday, my mom and I went to Price. (A town in the next county.) And we went into Walmart. We stood in line for about 10 minutes! The lady who was at the front of the line was cuponing! But anyway, we had time to do nothing. Right in front of me, there was a People magazing that was a "Celebration of the 80's" and I picked it up. I had time to go through the whole thing, not kidding, and it wasn't a small one either. Anyway, I saw a picture for Dirty Dancing, and my mom goes, "That is a really good movie." I dedided that we were going to stop at the local video store and rent it. I loved it. It was so stinking good. I can't get it off my mind. My dad quit watching watching after about 15-20 minutes into it because...well, it isn't that hard to understand why. But I want to watch it with my friends. I might have to wait for a couple of years for some of them though. Not all, but some. Anyway, I just had to say that I loved it.
My mom just scared me! I have headphones in and she just released the footrest on the recliner and I wasn't expecting it. I scared me.
Hey, so Friday night, I went to a party for a friend. My other friend Mia and I were running up the steps of Tiffany's steps to get her, cause we were giving her a ride, and this EVIL!!! dog runs up behind us as we were running up the steps and Mia starts screaming, and I screamed once becaue she did. When we got to the top of the steps I turn around and start yelling at the dog and Mia is screaming this whole time. Tiffany comes running out the door and chases the dog down the steps yelling at the dog. My friends thought it was the funniest thing all day. Mia was completely freaked out!!! I felt sorry for her. I know how she feels. That dog once attacked me too.
She just had puppies and I wanted to hold one, but didn't want to get to close. (She is a hunting hound) I stood just out of reach of the chain she was on. I took about 2 steps in becaue Tiff said it would be all right if I did. The dog came after me, teeth and all. She came within about 2" of biting my leg. I know because Tiff had just taken her the food that they scraped of their plates, and it got on her chops. I found some food on my pant leg. Freaked me out too. I know how Mia felt. And I told her that more than once.
Well, that is about it for my recent activities. Talk to ya later.