Passing Away

A week ago tomarrow my grandma died. It was a good thing. She deserved to go. My grandpa died about 14 years ago, and ever since then, she really hasn't been happy. She finally went though. She lived to be almost 90 yrs. old. Good, long life. But, I was there the night that she went. I was in her room at the nursing home with her. I felt like I was going to go insane. So, I started to write down my thoughts on a pad of paper. Here it is. If it is a little odd, sorry, but I needed an outlet and this was it. It might be a little confusing.

"If you have ever read about a death rattle in a book or diary and don't know what it sounds like, well, this is it. Imagin a person blowing bubbles in a dreink and multiply that by 2 or 3 and you've got a BASIC idea.

Grandma sounds like that. Se ha souunded like that for a few hours. I didn't know that a person could make those kind of sounds. It makes me want t cough for her. No living person should ever have to be in this kind of misery! I wouldn't curse this on even my worst enemy! NEVER!!

Today is hte day before my 9th grade commencenment. I always wanted grandma to be there for it. But now, I don't know if she will even last the night.

Pain. Pain is something that grandma should not have to deal with anymore. She has had for too many years. Both physical and emotional. She quit living when grandpa died.

I am so close to crying but my inner strength just won't let me. I only cry when all of my defences have been torn down.

To die ot not ot die. Now that is question here. Will she let go? Will the Lord let her go? Will someone who is holding on let her go? To die or not to die. now that is the question.

Right now, the only way I am keeping from going crazy is by wiring all this down. My chest feels so tight with anxiety and sadness and frustration. It's a miracle I can breath. my exterior is so calm, or feels that way, and yet my insides are a riot of feelings.

Memories and impressions. To truly understand what it feels like, they wuld have to be bombarded with millions of colors, sounds, sights, smells, thoughts, hate, passion, worry, love, needles, pokes, tugs, and any other feeling you can think of and then multiply that by 100. At leats.

Sitting here waiting, watching, it all feels a little srueal. you don't want to believe it, but you have to. And through the Atonement of Christ, and the leve he gives, I can and will endure, even if it is nightmarish.

The Lord must truly lover her to put her throught such pain and misery. He must feel she can endure it.

She's gone. No mor.

I never realized it would be this hard to let go. I always thought it wouldb e easier than this, but I'm not alwaays right. I just thought that my inner walls would help, but they melted away like butter in sinlight.

No more. nOe more pain. Only peace and comfort in grandpa's arms.